What Do I Say to Others in Suffering?

It’s hard to know what to say to someone when they are suffering. Sometimes we say things that cause more pain and suffering because we don’t have a solid theology in this area.

In Job 2:11 we see 3 of Job’s best friends come to comfort him in his suffering. It says as they looked at him from a distance, they did not recognise him. They wept at what they discovered and as they sat with him they did not speak for 7 days such was the intensity of Job’s grief. It was essentially a good start. They were there for Job in his darkest hour.

But then their theories of suffering began and by chapter 16:2, Job exclaimed:

Miserable comforters are you all!

Our need to make sense of suffering is universal. Perhaps we believe that by finding a reason or some greater purpose for the suffering we can alleviate the intensity of it in the present.

However, as Job found out, theories or reasonings people hold to can often cause more pain and suffering for the hearer.

We must realise our perspective is limited. It’s harder to say, ‘I don’t know why you are suffering but I will be here for you', than ‘I’m sure this is happening because...’ We want to have the answers and we want to be the one who brings the answers.

Kelly M Kapic says: Pastors and friends are not called to explain away the pain or to try to give moral lessons for why a particular event is happening. We simply are not privy to such information. While God can and does bring about good through our suffering, that is not the same thing as knowing why God allows it.

We have to acknowledge the difference between God being able to work all things together for good from a belief that he has orchestrated the suffering for your good. They are two very different things.

In one scenario, God has designed the suffering himself. This does not fit with our view of a good Father. The other presupposes suffering happens to everyone in a broken world but that God can do extraordinary things through it. This is a more biblically accurate picture of God’s work in our lives.

So how should we respond to someone else’s suffering?

Do empathise (weep with those who weep)
Don’t diminish their pain
Don’t tell them to toughen up and get over it
Speak words of hope and encouragement
Be there
Don’t ‘flaunt’ your faith but be sensitive to where they are at
Pray for them
Bring practical help where possible
"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." - 2 Corinthians 1:4

Prayer Point: Lord, help me to come alongside those who are suffering and bring encouragement and hope, not confusion and condemnation. Give me compassion for their situation so I can comfort them like you would.

“Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came every one from his own place; Eliphaz the Temanite, and Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite: for they had made an appointment together to come to mourn with him and to comfort him.”
‭‭Job‬ ‭2‬:‭11‬ ‭KJV‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/1/job.2.11.KJV

“I have heard many such things: Miserable comforters are ye all.”
‭‭Job‬ ‭16‬:‭2‬ , “Shall vain words have an end? Or what emboldeneth thee that thou answerest? I also could speak as ye do: If your soul were in my soul's stead, I could heap up words against you, And shake mine head at you. But I would strengthen you with my mouth, And the moving of my lips should asswage your grief. Though I speak, my grief is not asswaged: And though I forbear, what am I eased? But now he hath made me weary: Thou hast made desolate all my company. And thou hast filled me with wrinkles, which is a witness against me: And my leanness rising up in me beareth witness to my face. He teareth me in his wrath, who hateth me: He gnasheth upon me with his teeth; Mine enemy sharpeneth his eyes upon me. They have gaped upon me with their mouth; They have smitten me upon the cheek reproachfully; They have gathered themselves together against me. God hath delivered me to the ungodly, And turned me over into the hands of the wicked. I was at ease, but he hath broken me asunder: He hath also taken me by my neck, and shaken me to pieces, And set me up for his mark. His archers compass me round about, He cleaveth my reins asunder, and doth not spare; He poureth out my gall upon the ground. He breaketh me with breach upon breach, He runneth upon me like a giant. I have sewed sackcloth upon my skin, And defiled my horn in the dust. My face is foul with weeping, And on my eyelids is the shadow of death; Not for any injustice in mine hands: Also my prayer is pure. O earth, cover not thou my blood, And let my cry have no place. Also now, behold, my witness is in heaven, And my record is on high. My friends scorn me: but mine eye poureth out tears unto God. O that one might plead for a man with God, As a man pleadeth for his neighbour! When a few years are come, Then I shall go the way whence I shall not return.”
‭‭Job‬ ‭16‬:‭3‬-‭22‬ ‭KJV‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/1/job.16.3-22.KJV

“Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭15‬ ‭KJV‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/1/rom.12.15.KJV